someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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