i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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