im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize