It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
