Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
