Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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