i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
