Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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