All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Is it penis luge time yet?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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