At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
