i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
soo... how was my night?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
