Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
