Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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