I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
She tied me up with her honor cords...
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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