I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
