I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
3 2 1 whiskey
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
