My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I can't put those talents on a resume
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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