I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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