shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
