my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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