but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
