You just made me feel so damn special
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
