Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
