U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize