I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Randomize
