Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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