She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
