I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
