It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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