Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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