I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
