Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
you never un-have a 4some
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
