What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
