I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
