Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Randomize
