my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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