I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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