true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
