My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize