Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Randomize
