every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
COCAINE IS GR8
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
