never play flip cup with pint glasses
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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