Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
