i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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