he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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