note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
