My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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