Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
