the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
