I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
