Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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