i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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