so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize