Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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