I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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