Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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