I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
