Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
