I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
